Last month my dog became a proud mother of four healthy pups.
During these first few weeks of proud motherhood, I noticed how tired she was, waking up every 2-3 hours to feed, clean, and in general, make sure the pups were warm and safe. What’s more interesting is that she hardly ever waged her tail, and in those rare instances where she did, it was always when she was well away from her puppies.
Parenting babies (and kids…) is not always easy – to say the least: sleepless nights, stress, anxiety, and so many new things to worry about.
In fact, although most parents would claim that their children are their primary source of happiness and joy, studies show that parents generally report lower positive emotions and higher negative emotions as compared to nonparents [1,2,3].
Are parents getting it wrong?
Research results show that parents have a lower sense of wellbeing (up to 12 percentage points lower in the US [3]). So are parents getting it wrong?
A study by Roy Baumeister [4], a prominent social psychologist, may shed some light on this question. Baumeister and his colleagues found that while parents may be experiencing lower levels of happiness, they experience higher levels of meaning. However, this differentiation between happiness and meaning affects everyone, not just new parents.
Take connectedness to others, for example. The study found that social connectedness to others contributes to both meaning and happiness. However, those who focused on the giving aspect of the social connection (aka. givers) felt higher levels of meaning. In contrast, those that focused on the receiving part of the social connectedness (aka. takers) felt happier.
In general, researchers found that people who focus on satisfying their own needs and wants in the present are generally happier, whereas those who focus on alignment with purpose, identity, and core values across time—past, present, and future—experience higher levels of meaning in their lives.
The dark side of happiness
“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. “ -Albert Camus
For over a decade now, I have taught thousands of participants in workshops, lectures, and one-on-one research findings on the importance of being happy. Happiness, I would say, highly correlates with longevity, improves creativity, creates stronger, longer-lasting relationships, increases confidence and personal and professional success, facilitates better sleep, and most importantly, increases subjective wellbeing, to name but a few positive properties [for example: 5,6,7,8].
While the research findings still hold true, happiness, it seems, has a dark side too. Recent studies show that [9,10] the greater emphasis one puts on happiness by therapists, scientists, and (gulp, gulp) well-meaning lecturers, mentors, and coaches, the less people are able to experience it.
These studies show that participants who placed higher value on achieving happiness reported 50% less frequent positive emotions, 35% less life satisfaction, 75% more depressive symptoms, and 15% decrease in subjective wellbeing [9].
One plausible explanation for these findings could be that the feeling of happiness is very much “me-focused”. When people place a high value on their own narrow happiness, it may leave them empty and discontent, constantly falling short of that coveted feeling of happiness they pursue.
It seems Thomas Jefferson may have been wrong in choosing his words, as the pursuit of happiness could in and of itself prevent people from experiencing it.
The pursuit of meaning
However, this idea is nothing but new. Victor Frankl, a survivor of the horrors of the concentration and death camps, supported others in the most dire of circumstances. In his seminal book ‘Man search for meaning’ he writes on the consequences of chasing our own limited happiness:
“…happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen… you have to let it happen by not caring about it.”
Indeed Victor Frankl’s experiences in the death camps show that those who focused on their purpose and meaning—whether it would be writing a manuscript that would help others or reuniting with a surviving child after the war—were able to survive and even thrive.
Meaning is the healthier choice
But focusing on meaning rather than happiness is not only good for our soul. A recent study by Barbara Fredrickson and Steve Cole [11] focused on the health benefits of meaning vs. happiness. The study found that people who reported high values of meaning in their life had a stronger immune system function and lower chronic inflammation as compared to those who reported more happiness, suggesting that a meaningful life may be healthier than a life focused on pleasure-seeking.
In their study, Fredrickson, and Cole state that happiness and meaning can go hand in hand. Therefore, the health benefits are not dependent on the amount of happiness you experience but on the lack or presence of meaning in those moments of happiness.
Unfortunately, according to the study, 75% of the participants experienced higher levels of happiness and lower levels of meaning, leading to adverse health conditions.
Practical steps to cultivating a more meaningful life
It seems my dog was on to something. Although raising puppies is often not fun, focusing on meaning, even at the expense of short-term happiness, could lead to higher levels of wellbeing and health.
The question remains: how do we (humans) become more meaning-focused in a world that is so concentrated on hedonistic self-indulgence?
Below I define three focus areas (and respective supporting questions) to cultivate meaning-making habits in our life.
1. Focus on the Long-Term
Long-term thinking transports us from the immediate need of pleasure-seeking to a broader, more mature meaningful vantage point.
Before committing to an action, think about the person you will be in a day, week, month, or year. Would future-you have wanted present-you to take this action? Would they feel proud of this action in the future? Ashamed? Full of remorse? Joyful?
For example, how would future-you answer the following questions:
– Should I go to sleep now or finish the task in front of me?
– Should I take another piece of that cake or go to the gym?
– Should I continue to fight with my partner or step up and be the adult?
2. Focus on Resilience
One of the reasons I focus so much on resilience today is that the more resilient we are, especially in stressful uncertain times, the more we can focus on our meaning without distractions. This works both ways, as the clearer our meaning is, the stronger the resolve and resilience we are able to experience.
In other words, Resilience is the ability to transform stressful life events into meaningful life events.
Here is what Lauren, Head of Finance Strategy in a European conglomerate, wrote to me:
“The Resilience workshop helped me realize that every time I shy away from stress at work, I am actually shying away from meaning.
Sure, I could spend all my life laying in a hammock with zero stress whatsoever but also zero meaning.
So now, instead, I choose to lean into stress because, for me, that means that I am leaning into a more meaningful life.
A life I will feel proud of.
Thank you so much for making that connection for me.”
3. Focus on Purpose
In the age of Quiet Quitting, Great Resignation, and other buzzwords that simply spell out disengagement, focusing on your purpose can lead to greater meaning in life.
Ask yourself: What is my why, my raison d’être? Why am I choosing or doing this?
Life carries its share of challenges, but finding your purpose, your Why, makes it easier to overcome them. As Nietzsche famously said: “Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how’.”
Finally: Focus on your Moments of Light (or How to have it all)
So far, we have discussed the distinction between short-term me-focused happiness to longer-term other-focused meaning. However, we don’t always have to choose. When using these three focus areas: resilience, purpose, and long-term thinking, we can align both meaning and happiness.
In my work with executives and companies, I like to focus on an exercise I call “Moments of Light” (MOL), where we go back to those perfect meaningful moments in our past when we felt happy, content, engaged, and fulfilled. Those MOLs serve as tiny personal breadcrumbs that we can use to retrace our steps and find a convergence zone where meaning meets happiness.
A true sweet spot where we could actually have it all.
Now it is your turn: What obstacles and difficulties are you experiencing today? and what helps you most in finding meaning and purpose in your everyday life?
References:
[1] Hansen, T. (2012). Parenthood and happiness: A review of folk theories versus empirical evidence. Social indicators research, 108(1), 29-64
[2] Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2003). Parenthood and marital satisfaction: a meta‐analytic review. Journal of marriage and family, 65(3), 574-583.
[3] Glass, J., Simon, R. W., & Andersson, M. A. (2017). The parenthood “happiness penalty”: The effects of social policies in 22 countries. PRC Research Brief Series
[4] Baumeister, R. F., Vohs, K. D., Aaker, J. L., & Garbinsky, E. N. (2013). Some key differences between a happy life and a meaningful life. The journal of positive psychology, 8(6), 505-516.
[5] Danner, D. D., Snowdon, D. A., & Friesen, W. V. (2001). Positive emotions in early life and longevity: findings from the nun study. Journal of personality and social psychology, 80(5), 804.
[6] Duckworth AL, Steen TA, Seligman MEP. Positive psychology in clinical practice. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology. 2005;1(1):629–651.
[7] Fredrickson, B. L. (1998). What good are positive emotions?. Review of general psychology, 2(3), 300-319.
[8] Lyubomirsky, S., King, L., & Diener, E. (2005). The benefits of frequent positive affect: Does happiness lead to success?. Psychological bulletin, 131(6), 803
[9] Mauss, I. B., Tamir, M., Anderson, C. L., & Savino, N. S. (2011). Can seeking happiness make people unhappy? Paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. Emotion, 11(4), 807.
[10] Kashdan, T. B., Breen, W. E., & Julian, T. (2010). Everyday strivings in war veterans with posttraumatic stress disorder: Suffering from a hyper-focus on avoidance and emotion regulation. Behavior therapy, 41(3), 350-363.
[11] Fredrickson, B. L., Grewen, K. M., Coffey, K. A., Algoe, S. B., Firestine, A. M., Arevalo, J. M., … & Cole, S. W. (2013). A functional genomic perspective on human well-being. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 110(33), 13684-13689.
